Drastic plastic

Last week I finally did it. I went into my local Citizens Advice Bureau, confessed that I had £20,000 of credit card debts and asked for help.

It was a situation I, a supposed respectable citizen and local journalist in Worcestershire, 34 years old and a graduate, had never expected to be in.

I had been dreading cutting up my plastic - and cutting myself off from booking holidays online, paying bills over the phone and generally acting like a sophisticated human being. But for the past six months I have been withdrawing cash from my credit cards just to meet their minimum monthly payments. In hindsight it seems obvious that all the debt could do was grow.

It's not as if I was a spendthrift, splashing out on luxury holidays abroad. When I first got a credit card two years ago, I used it to pay for emergency car repairs, petrol for visiting family around the country, food shopping and the odd meal out or trip to the cinema.

Living in the country, my partner and I both need to run cars but frankly my £850 monthly wages just didn't leave anything over after he lost his job. I had to pay the rent, council tax, other bills and meet repayments on his loan and credit cards.

A year ago things started getting out of hand. In an effort to keep on top of the situation I applied to the innumerable credit cards offering low introductory transfer rates. That way I thought I could avoid paying high interest rates and keep the debts at a manageable level or, even reduce them.

Perhaps I was being too clever. It has not been the interest that has finished me - my problem has been the amount of cash available to me after opening so many cards. Last year, when I consolidated what was then my entire debt into one account (with £8,000 credit and a 6.4% interest rate), I should have cut up my other 10 cards. But it came down to survival.

My cards were a safety net that meant I knew I could continue keeping the cars running and buying food. I just couldn't let go and gradually the other cards filled up.

I'm not sure exactly when I passed the point of no return. In a way I think I knew before I started but I kept kidding myself I was in control until about four months ago when I finally made myself face the fact that my credit rating was a joke.

Looking to see where I could get help, I flicked through the Yellow Pages and wrote down numbers for debt agencies and helplines. In the end I chose to go to Citizens Advice because I had heard about their work in helping people with credit card debts. Also, I was terrified of meeting disapproval and contempt if I told my bank manager or my parents, or my sisters.

Because CAB staff are voluntary, I thought they would be more understanding. Go ing to face the consequences of my miscalculations was horrible. I had to wait about half an hour in the Citizens Advice waiting room before being called into a small office.

The adviser was neither understanding nor sympathetic, not that I deserved any. She sternly told me to make sure I told her about all my debts, so I admitted to a further debt, £400 on catalogues. I told her I didn't want these to be included because I rely on them for work clothes. But then she said the CAB could not help me - it has to be able to prioritise debts before dealing with me.

I was stunned. When she left the room to fetch a self-help pack the stress caught up with me and I burst into tears.

Her attitude changed slightly when she saw my red face and runny nose and she asked me more questions. When she found out that my partner is in a similar situation and we don't own our home, she checked with her supervisor who agreed that our best option was probably to go bankrupt.

To that end she booked me another appointment next week with a specialist who will be able to tell me more about bankruptcy. The question I will really want to ask at that appointment next week is "Will I still be able to get a mortgage?" The answer will now probably be "No", and I realise in my heart that my little dream nest is a long, long way off.