Getting down to business

It occurs to me that this 'love and romance' lark has had its day. The time has surely come for us all to become more corporate-minded in matters of the heart. I am inspired by the businesswoman who recently put herself on auction to the highest bidder via the internet, arguing that marriage was the only 'ambition' she had yet to realise. An act not exactly dripping with passion, you'd agree, but at least this woman seems to know exactly what she wants (a rich man with money who looks for love on the web), and is likely to get it. These are tough, mercenary new times, and bank statements and full medicals are the new wine and roses.

Of course, rich people already have 'pre-nups', but typically they're all about money. More ordinary (skint) people could have similar systems which ensure that we don't end up wasting our most precious commodity (time) on losers and liars. A new type of lawyer could emerge. 'I'd really like to see you again' becoming 'My people will be in touch with your people.' 'I love you' becoming 'I'm very excited by your progress so far.' So much more civilised, I'm sure you'll agree. Instead of all that baloney about wedding dresses, us ladies can sit around day-dreaming about our business suits for the big day.

I have a friend who would agree. Her most recent ex landed the job of being her boyfriend by sheer fluke when she took a shine to him at a dark, noisy party. A few months down the line and she was forced to behold him in the cold light of day as a lazy, lying hound dog. He, meanwhile, was convinced that she had misled him, leaving out the little matter of her Olympic gold in nagging. Both of these individuals entered into their tryst with all the goodwill in the world - only too keen to skip off into the sunset together. By the time it was over, they both felt thoroughly aggrieved. Their relationship had been one big, fluffy smokescreen - they were not the people they thought they were when they first met. A bit like when you try something on at the shop and it looks great, but when you get it home you resemble a sack of spuds. Then again, maybe not. Nobody ever cried for weeks on end because a jacket 'failed'. Nobody ever woke up in the early hours of the morning, wondering if they'd ever find the 'right' poloneck.

Part of the problem seems to be the way people tend to get together. Only in affairs of the heart do people think that it's a great idea to meet blind drunk and unable to hear much of what the other person is saying. This is the only major decision we make this way. Nobody ever put on Moby really loud and cracked open a few bottles when deciding which mortgage to go for. There aren't many professions where 'posts' are filled entirely on the grounds that the applicant was an absolute hoot with a few glasses of warm white wine inside them. Only with romance do we shudder at the idea of cool, rational appraisal of ourselves and others. That's why dating agencies will always remain the last resort. There's something about doing lunch cold which makes it feel like a job interview with three courses. It's sweet, really. These are cautious times, and only with love do we fly so blindly, so recklessly, towards the hottest part of the sun. But it's not working, this falling-in-love leap-of-faith stuff. We really do have to get more organised.

To this end, may I suggest that, from now on, people should be forced to produce references when they apply for the post of one's paramour? You should be able to ring up three exes and ask candid questions concerning their 'viability' and 'long-term potential'. I say this in the full knowledge that my own might not be particularly impressive. ('Bad attitude'; 'Neglects to apply herself to the task in hand'; 'Not exactly a team player.') The trouble being, of course, that we would be grovelling for positive comments from the very people we have been gleefully driving insane.

This could lead to some hefty bargaining over a lunchtime drink. 'Look, I know I slept with your best friend, ignored your emotional needs and killed all your house plants, but I was wondering if you would fill out this little form detailing how pleasant I am to have around.' It doesn't really work, does it? We are forgetting that human beings have an essence, an X-factor - part-tragedy, part-glory - which negates all that is good and bad about them on paper. Bummer. However, as that businesswoman should be aware, life is a bit like that - all those messy emotions, all that love, faith and laughter, forever getting in the way of a really good deal.

· barbara.ellen@observer.co.uk