Love, honour - and pay the credit card

As novelist Shirley Conran once said: 'The importance of money is played down to women but if it is so unimportant, why have men got it all?'

Money can be a dangerous subject, as warring couples up and down the country know to their cost. Dividing the spoils in a household may be only part of the problem that a couple faces in developing a harmonious approach to money. Men and women tend to have different attitudes to spending and investment.

This is no surprise to Donna Bradshaw, a director at the all-female independent financial adviser, Fiona Price & Partners. 'Men are short-termist and speculative, and think they know more about money than they actually do, whereas women actually know more than they think,' she says.

Bradshaw has noticed that when couples go in together for advice, 'although there are not huge arguments, there are differences. Women tend to be more averse to risk and might stick to deposit accounts, but once they learn about risk and time they become more confident.'

Having taken the plunge, studies have shown that women investors go on to outperform their male counterparts. 'Women take a longer-term view and, through staying with it, they avoid charges and the dangers of moving in and out [of investments] at the wrong time,' says Bradshaw.

Although women have proven that they can be good financial managers, often they lack confidence. 'The "me hunter, you stay at home and cook dinner" attitude goes back to our childhood,' says Bradshaw. It is unlikely to disappear overnight.

Psychologist and author Dorothy Rowe says: 'Men regard money as the perfect vehicle for recognition of their status as a winner, whereas women use it in a way to help them be secure as a person - say in the way they dress.'

It is difficult to get away from the myths and generalisations. Studies across the world have shown that women have less confidence in their financial ability, and tend to avoid making decisions for fear of making a mistake. Women feel entitled to less pay and are prepared to restrict their own spending in the interests of the family; they are less prepared for retirement, and are more likely to spend their old age in poverty; more men than women want to be rich; women like to shop more than men.

Rowe believes that women suffer from 'the cost of ignorance', which stems from a belief that being financially responsible is not seen as being feminine.

This is compounded by the fear identified by psychologist Sonya Friedman that the more competent a woman is financially, the less anyone else will want to take care of her. So it is no surprise that women's relationship with money is often more ambiguous than men's.

Different too are the raw emotions aroused by merely thinking about filthy lucre. More women than men have been shown to associate anxiety, depression, anger and helplessness with money, while more men associate it with feelings of happiness and excitement.

Rowe says that many differences are down to men's competitive instincts, which are encouraged from a young age. 'Competition is all, it's the way boys are brought up and educated,' she says. 'Women don't regard competition in the same way.'

Carole Burgoyne, a psychologist at Exeter University, has studied how couples organise and use money in marriage. She says that among couples at low-income levels, the women are seen as having more financial skills, and so may get the 'burden' of having to make ends meet when there is not much money. But 'at higher income levels, the men are seen as having more financial expertise, and are more likely to have overall control and make decisions on investments'.

Stephen Holloway of independent financial adviser John Holt & Partners in Reading agrees that the distinction between men and women is not always clear-cut. He says that the person with the more active interest in money tends to take more financial risk. 'Often it is the man, but often it is more an age thing. With people of retirement age women do as the husbands say,' he says.

However he has noticed that women are often better-prepared when dealing with the financial services industry. 'Women have often done more reading up and are more knowledgeable than their other half,' he says.

With younger professional women the edges between the sexes can become very blurred. 'They had to get there the hard way, and can even be a bit more aggressive.'

But to see how far women have yet to go to confound the stereotypes about their relationship with money, look no further than the high street this Christmas. 'Compulsive shopping is more common among women,' says Burgoyne. 'Men with a compulsive disorder may find other ways of expressing their compulsive behaviours.' Or as Donna Bradshaw says:'Men treat themselves to big objects such as cars, women shop for comfort.' For women trying to take a more sensible approach to finances, that provides little comfort at all.

Chalk and cheese - but a joint account

Emma and Damien are both thirtysomething high
flyers. Damien is a solicitor while Emma sells
advertising space. Their incomes are roughly the
same. They have a mortgage and are hoping to move
to a larger property.

A year of marriage has taught them that a joint bank
account is the best way to deal with day-to-day bills as
money management could easily become a source of
disputes.

'Everything gets split down the middle that way,' says
Emma. 'It's just as well because Damien's very good at
managing finances and I'm not.'

Squabbles occasionally arise over who should pay the
cleaner as she needs to be paid in cash but Emma
concedes that Damien usually ends up paying.

Both Emma and Damien invest equally and they rarely
take risks with their money, preferring an Isa to
dabbling directly in the stock market. But both have
pensions.

According to Emma, Damien never gets into debt. 'He
saves while I just load my credit cards to the hilt. He
sometimes gets quite frustrated with me,' she sighs. 'I
don't really know where it all goes.'

• Names have been changed